Thursday, April 15, 2010


It is interesting to me that there is a highly spiritual "glamorizing" of the concept of virginity.

"True love waits" is the constant cry of many, with the opposite extreme being the complete meaninglessness of sex (often a strawman portrayal, as very few would actually have sex if it was really so pointless).

I recently argued with a professor I highly respect in class that being male does not equate with wanting sex in every interaction with a female. It highly bothers me that this is how men are portrayed, despite my cynicism regarding my own gender. The reason for this is that no one merely wants sex.

And yet, everyone wants it. If it is only guys that are after sex constantly, then why is it easy for them to get it? Do women just bear it so they can have "the relationship" (like those are two separate things), or do women get something from sex too?

Furthermore, premarital sex has been spoken of in the same breath as alcohol abuse and drugs. Why? Are they really the same thing, the same level of "sin," or has sex become an easy target, something that has been so demonized that we've broken something about ourselves?

If it really is true that the Christian does not have sex before they are legally married, then why do most people I know, once they're not in a setting where they must give the "correct answer," admit freely to their practices?

My generation simply does not believe that "true love waits" anymore, even if they pay lip service to it. The reason for this, I think, is twofold.

Firstly, some people just don't buy it. Like any reactionary sentiment, it is hard to continue to believe something once there is nothing to react to, and when the reaction is to something that humans are created to enjoy, the reaction itself should be re-evaluated.

Secondly, even affirming that true love waits is to bring one's focus more closely onto not doing a thing. Virginity in itself is a negative term, stating that one will "save oneself" by "not doing something."

I know it is possible to redefine the term "virginity" and to make an argument against this particular point. However, to do so, one must go against the predominant etymology of the word, an action that I don't think is particularly helpful.

The solution I would offer is to be honest with ourselves and others about wanting sex, and to cease making it a source of shame with the concept of virginity. It is silly to speak constantly about what one will not do, and not beneficial, psychologically, once one does get married.

Some say that they are still "soul virgins" during marriage, because of the concept of being wholly for another person. In my opinion, because of the negative context of the word virginity, that though this concept is helpful, the word should be distanced from the concept itself.

To concisely state my point, then, I believe that we should stop lying to ourselves and to everyone around us about sex. Whether it is by not speaking about it except in the context of virginity and portraying oneself as "pure," (ironically so someone will eventually have sex with us and we will gain that acceptance) or if it is really believing that men are the only ones that want the act of sex, or that the act should possibly stand apart from the context of commitment, love, and respect, it is simply silly to deny that humanity stands apart from the concept of virginity.

Our actions, our reactions, and our conversations about it have killed our appreciation for our own sexuality, and then we wonder why sex is an idol for almost everyone. The only helpful alternative to the status queue is to rethink our orientation toward sexuality and virginity, lest we continue the same cycle, begetting a lack of understanding or caring about any perspective but our own, concisely termed as dogma.


  1. The idea that every guy just wants sex pisses me off as well. It also pisses me off how the two extremes both lead to the idea of sex, and consequently the act, becoming devalued.

    It's an amazing point of connectivity for the two people involved and something that should be cherished. When the focus is placed on virginity alone instead of the wholeness of the act as an expression of love, that too becomes devalued... Honestly, that's a shame.

    Then again, you know me, always the moderate, haha.

    Also: just a point of clarity to make sure I get what you're saying; in laymen's terms:

    Secular world at large says: "We don't give a damn about virginity and think sex out of wedlock is awesome/pointless/only for personal gain/pleasure."

    High Horse Christian world says: "Virginity is the Holy Grail of personal moral character and as soon as you lose it you're less pure."

    You're saying: "Virginity is precious but shouldn't be the focal point because of the negative monikers associated with it in modern culture. Instead we should rethink our ideal of purity to incorporate not only virginity, but commitment to one individual, the pursuit of intimacy with that one individual, and the expression of love that results in sex."

    Yes, no, kind of? I hate to ramble, but, again... I'd rather make sure I'm understanding you clearly than to assume. :/

  2. Indeed, you do not assume Derek, that is what I'm saying. The reframing of virginity and sexuality into positive terms was the aim of this post. You are, as always, more concise than I. Excellent.

  3. Guess what. Girls want sex too.

    It took me a long time to get over the whole "losing my virginity" thing once I got married. I realized that, at least for women, this problem is much broader than just being told sex is bad so don't do it. It's a complete inability to accept ourselves, which is why many women struggle with believing they could ever be beautiful.

    We are told all our lives, men and women alike, that physical is bad and spiritual is good. But "everything is spiritual!" We cannot escape the intimate intertwining of physical and spiritual in our lives, nor should we attempt to. That's why some women cry when they have to cut their hair. They view their hair as part of themselves, part of who they are. I'm not particularly attached to my hair, and I still felt as if I lost part of me when I last cut it.

    It's because our hair, our eyes, our bodies, are all part of who we are. Disfiguring accidents wouldn't be so traumatic if this weren't the case.

    I know Dan read my facebook note, and I at least tagged Derek. In it I actually addressed a lot of issues regarding Christian Feminine Sexuality, and decided to reject it as a whole. It's not good. It's not healthy. It disgusts me, even. Sexuality is not a bad thing. Breasts are not a bad thing. A vagina and clitoris are not bad things. On the contrary, God made them all, including the male's penis and unisexual drive to practice procreation, and called them good.

    If He said sex is good, it is. I think virginity should be remembering to "awaken love" at the proper time. It is up to parents to teach when the "proper time" is, and up to the individual to decide if they agree. I personally think the optimal time for this is in a marriage relationship because that is when it is most safe. That is very important to me, and probably to many other women. But marriage relationships look different to all different people. Culture is the general dictator of that I suppose.