Saturday, November 2, 2013

One thousand pages of erased text.

There are times in life when one has to step back into the shadows, for everyone's sake.

When I write, I open up a gaping wound in me. I don't even know where it came from, when it started, or what made it get to this level. I just know that for most of my life I have been fighting, criticizing, thinking, and butting heads with people, an action I cannot currently sustain. Every action costs something, and the cost for writing on this blog, a blog specifically made for cognitive dissonance, is too high for me right now. I am exhausted on every level possible, and something has to give.

I cannot write honestly on this blog anymore, something I swore to myself I would do when I started it. If you've read faithfully, you've seen me journey from faith into faithlessness, from Christian to atheist and, I suspect, into something else entirely. I cannot even claim atheist anymore, as it implies way too much about me that is not true. I respect my Christian friends and family, I am bad at being part of tribal groups such as the popular atheist movement, and I sometimes suspect that there is a god, when I feel like it and when I can successfully dismiss the horribleness that's happened to me from my memory for a time. I am this complex, insane, contradictory, irrational individual, and I've been able to bring about dissonance because of that. However, labels are no longer sufficient for any of that, and I think that means I'm healing. It also means that I cannot be bothered to defend anything constructive or even have a theme for writing (formerly Christianity), and that is suicide for an endeavor like this. Christianity cannot be my theme anymore because it is, for me, writing about a period of abuse. At some point, you have to stop. You have to let your decisions stand alone, you have to criticize yourself privately and with people you trust, and you have to heal in order to be objective again. Even though I stand by what I have to say about making my decisions for objective reasons, that is meaningless in the grand scheme of things, and especially in writing on this level. There comes a point in life when you must make peace with the fact that you are screaming into a void, with trenches on either side filled with people with weapons pointed at each other.

I do not believe in myself anymore, I do not have the conviction that anyone should take what I have to say seriously, and I'm honestly sick of everyone pointing weapons at me. Until I can heal, it is time that I journey by myself for a while. I don't know what my next move is as a writer, but you can be assured that I am incapable of giving it up. If you enjoy reading what I have to say, watch for another update from me here at some point. Until then, from an absolute no one to all of you who have journeyed with me,



  1. Such a great song. If you need a pit stop from time to time as you travel look me up, my door is always open both physically and figuratively.

  2. I have hesitated to write you since our last communication, as I did not want to make myself a nuisance. But, I have been thinking of you and praying for you often over these last few weeks.

    Reading this breaks my heart for you. I am very sorry for the struggle you are facing and for any part I contributed. These issues can be difficult on every level. But, I think maybe I see something in you (despite that we've never met) that you do not see in yourself. Here's what I have seen:

    1. A highly intelligent person.
    2. Someone who cares deeply about the truth.
    3. Someone who is willing to take an honest look at the world.
    4. Someone who waits and finds a way to respond in civility, even when he feels he has been wronged.
    5. Someone who is not afraid to recognize the merits of others.
    6. Someone who is willing to take an honest look at himself.
    7. Someone with self-control, who wants to do right.
    8. Someone who is willing to forgive the offenses of others.
    9. Someone who is longsuffering and perseveres.
    10. Someone who recognizes the battle, but longs for peace.

    Daniel, you aren't a "no one." You have a voice and a valid, important point of view. But, more than that, you are a unique, gifted, valuable person. You have been gifted with amazing qualities and adeptness and insights and ideas. So, be encouraged. I don't think anyone who reads your honesty here could fault you for your perspective on things, even if it doesn't align with theirs. You're on a philosophical, soul-searching journey--something you're certainly entitled to. Everyone should try it.

    I have argued with you strongly, but certainly not out of disrespect. On the contrary, I feel your search merits attention. So, for those times when you suspect there might be a God, I offer this prayer:

    "Jesus--thank you for this opportunity for Daniel and I and others reading this blog to communicate across vast distances. Thank you for your presence here, and I ask that the voices here will ultimately bring us closer to the truth. I particularly want to approach you on behalf of Daniel, who is struggling in a world that doesn't make sense. He needs to see that you are real, but more importantly, he needs to see that you are interested in him in a personal, intimate way. He needs to see that you know him inside and out, that you created him for you, and that you are the answer to his questions. Help him get beyond belief into knowing--beyond toying with facts into a genuine experience of truth and being and relationship with you. I cannot speak to the details of his life, but you can. And tonight I humbly ask for you to speak to Daniel in a way he can understand--a way that is only for him and only for you. Touch his heart so that his mind can recognize you. And give him peace and rest and a renewed exuberance for you. Finally, I ask that all our desires align with yours, and thank you in advance for your faithfulness."