Pain and suffering have been the entirety of what occupies my thoughts lately. I have felt so much hurt for so many reasons in the past month that I haven't been able to think straight. So, I'm sorry readers for vanishing for a while, but inspiration seems to have left me for a time as I desperately tried to hold onto something. Perhaps that something is hope, or life itself, or the ability to feel.
"You know pain is something man must endure in his heart, and since the heart feels pain so easily some believe life is pain." -Kaworu Nagisa, Neon Genesis: Evangelion
I can't think of a single person that hasn't felt pain in some way. Not just stubbing your toe or accidentally cutting yourself, but feeling the loss of someone you love, circumstances not being ideal, broken dreams, disappointing situations.
Some would say that there are people with nothing at all, that I and many others I know are more fortunate than well over 90% of the world. They would be correct. This should be fixed, because it's not how it should be. Multi-millionaires, people struggling to make ends meet, those that live in poverty. Life isn't fair.
But what about people that feel alone, despite being fortunate in life? What about people that feel as though they're deeply isolated from others, and can't seem to understand why? What about those that seem to sacrifice everything because they won't accept the categories and fixes society is offering them? What about those that feel that something is deeply wrong with life as we know it, and it goes far beyond what everyone can agree on?
I tend to approach this blog with insights designed to make people think, but it seems like today I have only questions. What is it about this restlessness that can get under the skin so much? Could all of the unfairness be connected? Have we stopped being human beings and ended up sacrificing too much for more productivity, more money, more success, and more ambition? What is the point when as I write this post thousands have died when the contents of my refrigerator could have stopped that from happening?
And yet, people die. All the time. It's not right, but it's part of life. As for those that die because of the more fortunate's apathy and inaction, that is not the focus of this blog post. To be frank, I haven't figured that out yet.
Death is not the worst thing in the world. Nor is pain, for it's an indicator that something is wrong. Pain leading to desperation and desire for things to be better. Maybe all that's wrong in your life is that you don't get to see your friends as often as you want, or perhaps you feel that you've lost something deeper.
As for me, I feel like something I used to love about myself is gone. Like it has been taken and can't be retrieved, and I do not know what it is. I don't even know why I feel this way, but I know it tells me something. Something is broken, something is wrong, and I'm hurting because of it.
I only don't feel this pain when I am in a crisis situation. When I need to do something to fix someone's problem, or when much is demanded of me and I have to act. I suppose this is simply adrenaline, or does it mean something more? What kind of a life have I been living, and am I truly happy? Have I pursued things I truly value, and are my values good for me? Are they good for others? Am I doing something about suffering, and do I care?
When we hurt, the question should be why. What is it I am really feeling, what can I do about it, and what can I learn from it?
That's all I've got for now.